Three Excerpts from Monty Python's Life of Brian


Scene 9: The commandos

FRANCIS: We're gettin' in through the underground heating system here, up through into the main audience chamber here, and Pilate's wife's bedroom is here. Having grabbed his wife, we inform Pilate that she is in our custody and forthwith issue our demands. Any questions?

COMMANDO XERXES: What exactly are the demands?

REG: We're giving Pilate two days to dismantle the entire apparatus of the Roman Imperialist State, and if he doesn't agree immediately, we execute her.

MATTHIAS: Cut her head off?

FRANCIS: Cut all her bits off. Send 'em back on the hour every hour. Show them we're not to be trifled with.

REG: And of course, we point out that they bear full responsibility when we chop her up, and that we shall not submit to blackmail!

COMMANDOS: No blackmail!

REG: They've bled us white, the bastards. They've taken everything we had, and not just from us, from our fathers, and from our fathers' fathers.

LORETTA: And from our fathers' fathers' fathers.

REG: Yeah.

LORETTA: And from our fathers' fathers' fathers' fathers.

REG: Yeah. All right, Stan. Don't labour the point. And what have they ever given us in return?!

XERXES: The aqueduct?

REG: What?

XERXES: The aqueduct.

REG: Oh. Yeah, yeah. They did give us that. Uh, that's true. Yeah.

COMMANDO #3: And the sanitation.

LORETTA: Oh, yeah, the sanitation, Reg. Remember what the city used to be like?

REG: Yeah. All right. I'll grant you the aqueduct and the sanitation are two things that the Romans have done.

MATTHIAS: And the roads.

REG: Well, yeah. Obviously the roads. I mean, the roads go without saying, don't they? But apart from the sanitation, the aqueduct, and the roads--

COMMANDO: Irrigation.

XERXES: Medicine.

COMMANDOS: Huh? Heh? Huh...

COMMANDO #2: Education.

COMMANDOS: Ohh...

REG: Yeah, yeah. All right. Fair enough.

COMMANDO #1: And the wine.

COMMANDOS: Oh, yes. Yeah...

FRANCIS: Yeah. Yeah, that's something we'd really miss, Reg, if the Romans left. Huh.

COMMANDO: Public baths.

LORETTA: And it's safe to walk in the streets at night now, Reg.

FRANCIS: Yeah, they certainly know how to keep order. Let's face it. They're the only ones who could in a place like this.

COMMANDOS: Hehh, heh. Heh heh heh heh heh heh heh.

REG: All right, but apart from the sanitation, the medicine, education, wine, public order, irrigation, roads, a fresh water system, and public health, what have the Romans ever done for us?

XERXES: Brought peace.

REG: Oh. Peace? Shut up!

[bam bam bam bam bam bam bam]

[bam bam bam bam bam]


Scene 14: Harry the haggler

BLOOD & THUNDER PROPHET: ...And the bezan shall be huge and black, and the eyes thereof red with the blood of living creatures, and the whore of Babylon shall ride forth on a three-headed serpent, and throughout the lands, there'll be a great rubbing of parts. Yeeah...

FALSE PROPHET: ...For the demon shall bear a nine-bladed sword. Nine-bladed! Not two or five or seven, but nine, which he will wield on all wretched sinners, sinners just like you, sir, there, and the horns shall be on the head, with which he will...

BORING PROPHET: ...Obadiah, his servants. There shall, in that time, be rumours of things going astray, erm, and there shall be a great confusion as to where things really are, and nobody will really know where lieth those little things wi-- with the sort of raffia work base that has an attachment. At this time, a friend shall lose his friend's hammer and the young shall not know where lieth the things possessed by their fathers that their fathers put there only just the night before, about eight o'clock. Yea, it is written in the book of Cyril that, in that time, shall the third one...


Scene 16: Brian the prophet

BORING PROPHET: ...The nephew or the donkey.

[whap]

Wha! Woooah!

[fwump]

[clap clap clap]

FALSE PROPHET: ...And, a nine-bladed sword, which he shall strike...

BLOOD & THUNDER PROPHET: ...Time when we all come together, and go...

PROPHET IN WHITE: ...And holes for the...

PROPHET IN BLACK: ...Jumbo jets...

PROPHET IN WHITE: ...every bitch how you got germs from...

PROPHET IN BLACK: ...fly up near the...

BRIAN: Don't you, eh, pass judgment on other people, or you might get judged yourself.

COLIN: What?

BRIAN: I said, 'Don't pass judgment on other people, or else you might get judged, too.'

COLIN: Who, me?

BRIAN: Yes.

COLIN: Oh. Ooh. Thank you very much.

BRIAN: Well, not just you. All of you.

DENNIS: That's a nice gourd.

BRIAN: What?

DENNIS: How much do you want for the gourd?

BRIAN: I don't. You can have it.

DENNIS: Have it?

BRIAN: Yes. Consider the lilies...

DENNIS: Eh, d-- d-- don't you want to haggle?

BRIAN: No. ...in the field.

DENNIS: What's wrong with it, then?

BRIAN: Nothing. Take it.

ELSIE: Consider the lilies?

BRIAN: Uh, well, the birds, then.

EDDIE: What birds?

BRIAN: Any birds.

EDDIE: Why?

BRIAN: Well, have they got jobs?

ARTHUR: Who?

BRIAN: The birds.

EDDIE: Have the birds got jobs?!

FRANK: What's the matter with him?

ARTHUR: He says the birds are scrounging.

BRIAN: Oh, uhh, no, the point is the birds. They do all right. Don't they?

FRANK: Well, good luck to 'em.

EDDIE: Yeah. They're very pretty.

BRIAN: Okay, and you're much more important than they are, right? So, what are you worrying about? There you are. See?

EDDIE: I'm worrying about what you have got against birds.

BRIAN: I haven't got anything against the birds. Consider the lilies.

ARTHUR: He's having a go at the flowers now.

EDDIE: Oh, give the flowers a chance.

DENNIS: I'll give you one for it.

BRIAN: It's yours.

DENNIS: Two, then.

BRIAN: Ohh. Look. There was this man, and he had two servants.

ARTHUR: What were they called?

BRIAN: What?

ARTHUR: What were their names?

BRIAN: I don't know. And he gave them some talents.

EDDIE: You don't know?!

BRIAN: Well, it doesn't matter!

ARTHUR: He doesn't know what they were called!

BRIAN: Oh, they were called 'Simon' and 'Adrian'. Now--

ARTHUR: Oh! You said you didn't know!

BRIAN: It really doesn't matter. The point is there were these two servants--

ARTHUR: He's making it up as he goes along.

BRIAN: No, I'm not! ...And he gave them some ta-- Wait a minute. Were there three?

ARTHUR: Ohh.

EDDIE: Oh, he's terrible!

ARTHUR: He's terrible.

BRIAN: There were three.

ARTHUR: Thpppt!

BRIAN: They were-- they were st-- stewards, really.

ELSIE: Aww, get off!

BRIAN: Ooh! Eh, uh, b-- b-- now-- now hear this! Blessed are they...

DENNIS: Three.

BRIAN: ...who convert their neighbour's ox, for they shall inhibit their girth,...

MAN: Rubbish!

BRIAN: ...and to them only shall be given-- to them only... shall... be... given...

ELSIE: What?

BRIAN: Hmm?

ELSIE: Shall be given what?

BRIAN: Oh, nothing.

ELSIE: Hey! What were you going to say?

BRIAN: Nothing.

ARTHUR and FRANK: Yes, you were.

ELSIE: Yes. You were going to say something.

BRIAN: No, I wasn't. I'd finished.

ELSIE: Oh, no you weren't.

ARTHUR: Oh, come on. Tell us before you go.

BRIAN: I wasn't going to say anything. I'd finished.

ELSIE: No, you hadn't.

BLIND MAN: What won't he tell?

EDDIE: He won't say.

BLIND MAN: Is it a secret?

BRIAN: No.

BLIND MAN: Is it?

EDDIE: Must be. Otherwise, he'd tell us.

ARTHUR: Oh, tell us the secret.

BRIAN: Leave me alone.

YOUTH: What is this secret?

GIRL: Is it the secret of eternal life?

EDDIE: He won't say!

ARTHUR: Well, of course not. If I knew the secret of eternal life, I wouldn't say.

YOUTH: No.

BRIAN: Leave me alone.

GIRL: Just tell me, please.

ARTHUR: No. Tell us, Master. We were here first.

DENNIS: Five.

BRIAN: Ah!

GIRL: Just tell--

BRIAN: Go away!

GIRL: Tell us, Master.