Words of Warriors Westmont Dating Culture, Explained
I hold perfectly still, hardly daring to breathe. A gust of wind rustles the bushes I’m hiding behind, and I wince. If I’m spotted, it’s all over. I carefully pick up my notebook and squint at the scene unfolding before me. It’s a scene that has never before been observed by science: a Westmont Date.
Yes, dear reader, after spending four years with the species known as Studentus westmontus and carefully recording my findings, I have finally observed the Westmont Dating Process (WDP) from start to finish. I am now ready to share my discoveries with the world.
The WDP begins within days of a group’s introduction into the habitat. As the new specimens explore their environment, most will choose another member of the species, called a “Westmont Wow,” to fixate on. This obsession is usually short-lived, although it may last up to a year. Most specimens do not act upon this starry-eyed affection.
In about a year or so, the Westmont Wows will be forgotten, and the WDP moves into the next stage. At this point, many specimens find they have the courage to pursue another member of the group in earnest. The pursuing specimen will employ such time-tested strategies as “looking them up on Stalkernet,” “needing the notes for class,” and “not finding another spot to sit in the entire DC.” These strategies have extremely mixed results: the first, in particular, is welcomed by some and rejected as overbearing by others. Most strategies are ultimately unsuccessful, and, to be honest, I began to worry that I would never observe the next stage of the process.
Thankfully, just as I was losing hope, I found two specimens who displayed an obvious preference for each other. After a few months and a sum total of 10 awkward, halting conversations, the two finally decided to embark upon a Westmont First Date. Contrary to other species of the genus Studentus, the Studentus westmontus takes an extremely serious approach to this stage of the WDP. They postpone this step until they reach the cusp of marriage.
My observation session led me to where you found me, hiding in the bushes next to a ritual dating location known as “Caje.” Over the next two hours, I carefully recorded the proceedings. To my surprise, it looked fairly relaxed and casual. I began to wonder why the westmontus placed such weighty expectations on this part of the WDP. I did not, however, wonder at the secrecy that veils this part, as the couple (and I!) had to dodge other species members throughout the First Date.
Though many other species members expected immediate matrimony, I followed the pair throughout the next year as they went on more and more dates. Their relationship went through struggles (possibly the worst of which being The Great Spring Formal Debacle of ’19, in which they wore clashing outfits), but they remained together. As the end of their time in this habitat drew to a close, I awaited the penultimate step in the WDP: engagement. Near the end of their fourth year, the group of Studentus westmontus begins to get restless. During the phase called “Ring by Spring,” they start pairing off at a precipitous pace, each coveting the gold bands they exchange when ready to permanently pair off. To my astonishment, these two did not exchange bands within four years. In fact, they left the habitat without becoming engaged. This decision caused much consternation in their circles, with much speculation over whether they were “meant to be” or not.
Although I lost sight of them afterwards, I remain confident that their marriage could be achieved in another habitat and at another stage of life. In fact, dear reader, I am beginning to wonder whether the WDP is really the best way to achieve marriage in the long run. Would not the members of Studentus westmontus be better off with more relaxed First Dates and without the Ring by Spring phase? Perhaps. But it is not my place to interfere; I must only record. I hope that future generations of westmontus may begin to rethink their WDP and decide whether or not the process truly serves them well.
Farewell, dear reader. My next project will be to record the behavior of the fabled Adultus westmontus. Wish me luck as I journey onwards!