By Angela D’Amour, Dean of Student Life Managing your Conversations

During election season, a particularly active time on college campuses, it’s easy to get drawn into heated national conversations on key issues such as the economy, immigration and health care. At Westmont, presidential election years have included parties for viewing debates, voter registration drives, faculty-led discussions on various issues, and events organized by student political clubs. Students demonstrate passion for issues that interest them, and otherwise indifferent students lean in to listen and learn.  

Election seasons can also be difficult as students share living spaces and classes with peers who see the world very differently than they do. Tensions can run high as students find themselves vehemently disagreeing with comments made either virtually or in person by fellow community members. Often they’re unsure how to respond effectively. Some of the more popular yet less helpful ways of reacting include avoidance, contempt and blaming. These responses can arise naturally and somewhat unconsciously, and it takes work to engage in crucial conversations.

As dean of student engagement, I help student leaders identify their natural conflict-management style using a simple online inventory of conflict management styles. Then we explore ways they would like to grow in their ability to participate in crucial conversations. As defined by Patterson, Grenny, et. al (2012), these conversations include situations where opinions differ, stakes are high, and emotions run strong. Unfortunately, when it matters most, we often behave at our worst.

In a presidential election year, we have a unique opportunity to model and practice crucial conversations on campus. This fall, we’ve been training student leaders to more effectively engage in crucial conversations. We remind them we can’t change others; we can only change ourselves. So how do we become better conversation partners? We begin by practicing effective listening. We listen not only for facts but for emotions and values that lead to deeper meaning. We listen not simply to respond but to reflect back what we’ve heard, check to see if we’ve understood correctly and dig deeper with follow-up questions. Once someone feels heard, a conversation becomes more safe. Mutual respect tends to follow, leading to greater opportunities for collaboration, progress and meaningful action. We seek to pay attention to any lurking defensiveness within us, which redirects our good intentions to simply wanting to win or make others look bad. None of us is immune to responding in anger.

Crucial conversations often require some level of compromise. When we ask someone to see our point of view, we must genuinely engage with theirs. If we truly want something, it’s worth asking what we’re willing to do to achieve it. Ask your student what crucial conversations they’ve engaged in recently, and encourage them with the reminder that diligently practicing difficult conversations will serve them well for life.